Friday, January 31, 2014

blue


An endless sea of rippling blue
The rolling waves surreal
Dancing sparkles of the summer sun
My eyes remain on you
Entranced in this moment 
Lingering in this loving place
Time hardly exists
A amorous hand in my own
A glace that says it all
Your presence is my remedy

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Pretending


A full heart; a closed mind
No where to unleash the emotions plaguing me
I feel for a second but lock all fanaticism away
I’ll keep pretending
I don’t think of your smile
A happy memory; a pained thought
The invisible line holding back what I’ve to give
I’m somewhere behind this wall
Every inch of me screaming
Why can’t I break your gaze?
The here and now battles the trickery of the past
Broken hearted moments Cloud my present mind
I plead to you in the only way I know how
Shelter my broken pieces; Let me rebuild

 

Random Thoughts


Is a person capable of change? A full on rehabilitation? I’ve been jaded for many years now. Feelings of love and compassion as fleeting as the random attempts to conform to a life of normalcy. I think normal is a myth.

 I sometimes watch strangers. It’s amazing what people do when they think no one is watching.  I noticed an older couple at the grocery store. The woman has a special shoe for walking. The man stands behind her assiduously and with extreme ardor. He holds his hand out almost touching the small of her back as she moves or reaches. His hands not close enough so she feels powerless but there maybe to ease his own mind. It was as if that were the sole purpose of his shopping experience. The emotions he feels for her apparent in every movement just as her comfort knowing he is there for her. That day I watched in complete Awe as the two went about their regularly scheduled program. It’s been 3 years since that day. And I still cry every time I visualize them. I wonder if I'll ever know that kind of love.

Maybe it’s something with grocery stores because I watched a father and his Daughter on Saturday. The father in an obvious hurry telling his daughter to wait as she screams and cries that she has to potty.  The girl looked to be about 4 years old. The father tells her he’s almost done and actually passes the bathroom while his daughter is becoming more and more insistent. She is literally begging him to take her to the bathroom And he still tells her to wait. He gets in the line to check out and at this point he is holding her and she is
no longer able to wait and the whole front of his shirt was soaked and I had to
Shake my head b/c he allowed her to be that pained and humiliated. She was
so devastated. She was apologizing to him. What kind of a sick person could
do that to their own child? What makes us such selfish creatures?




Insecure


Blindly staggering
Trying to feel the way out
Of my undesirable circumstance
Trapped and alone
Wrapped in a blanket of self loathing
Circling and reliving
My torment and ghosts nagging
Do I hear laughter?
Such a sickening sound
I could be better; I could do much more
I only want to make myself proud
Maybe I could live with me then
The fighting would end
The pain would descend
The outer layer that I’ve long since
Needed to shed

Lost


I stare ahead
A constant blank gaze
One of confusion
And utter lack of concentration
There will be another day
There is always more time
One more moment
To Complete what I’ve yet to
I’m drifting in a sea of separation
Divided from myself and the world around me
The self is lost from me
I’m left with a void
I feel a dull ache 
A constant nagging voice
A candy coated version of my reality
I’m searching through my life’s maze
Lost in my twists and turns
Where did I begin
And when did this other person take over

Monday, January 27, 2014

ahead


There is a light ahead
I feel its warmth
Reaching out my arms
To something I’m almost afraid to touch
Ordinarily I’d be running away
My mind would remain blank
But here in this moment I’m completely engrossed
My faith won’t let me turn away
The feeling of your skin on my skin
A million thoughts fly through my mind
I can never find one word; one perfect word
Struggling to conceal my over active emotions
Your smile gives me hope
In silence I know my heart is breaking
A constant battle betwixt the two
The balance in my head and heart
I find myself questioning my reasoning
How do I hide yet offer more of myself to you
On this flight to your heart
Is there a word
A phrase
One possible action
A key word
I’m almost out of ideas
Though every day I start anew

Friday, January 10, 2014

You


How can I explain this abode?

The place I show the world

A person no one knows

How can I begin to feel?

Sensations I’ve never known

A fear of getting too close

Staying in place; never getting out of control

A smile with no happiness

A heart that doesn’t love

Secrets locked behind my eyes

Careful as you’re entering my world

Chasing this unattainable dream

Watching as this life unfolds

Stuck in this perpetual cycle

Dance around the rules I’ve been told

I see the sun dance in your eyes

Mesmerizes almost hypnotizes

Chills that ignite my soul

A puff of smoke that clouds my mind

Timing

Spending time Eye to eye In another life Unresponsive To the eyes Directly in front of you Funny how no one's giving time The mom...

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